Milky Millward and the Philosophers, Stoned

It was a wet and blustery morning when young-ish Milky Millward awoke in his draughty attic bedroom to hear the sound of his pet spider Boris brewing him a nice cup of tea. Normally Milky was not the most enthusiastic of early risers but today was different. Yes, today of course was the start of a new term at Hugwells School and soon he would be seeing some of his old chums again.

Without warning, something began to stir under his bedclothes and they began to rise up alarmingly, sending Boris scuttling off under the wardrobe in fright. “Don’t be silly Boris” said Milky laughing. “It’s just my Magic Wand waking up”. Because Milky was no ordinary man, he was an Audio Wizard and he would be beginning his 5th year as a student at Hugwells School for Ageing Roadies with Magical Powers to Drink a Lot and Stay up Late. The only way to get there was from Kings Cross Bus Station at bus stop 6 & 7/8ths, by boarding The Hugwells Express bus service to Noorwitch, the most bewitched and magical University in Britain, in the grounds of which stood Hugwells School which could only be seen by the Magical Musical Community and was completely invisible to “Billies” which was the name given to those who did not have magical powers.

This year there was to be a new Headmaster at Hugwells, Barry Jumbledore-son, a powerful and good Wizard who after coming face to face with the Dark Lord “What’s ‘is Name” was rendered unable to finish a sentence.......................

The previous Headmaster, Gary Robindore-son had mysteriously disappeared towards the end of the last term and had apparently hung up his Wizards Hat and gone to work as a chef at a transport cafe, or something like that.

As Milky boarded the Hugwells Express, which was a long red steam powered bus, he waved excitedly to his old school mates HHJJ & the boy Abbiss. “I wonder what wonderful adventures we’ll have this year?” he thought whilst clambering into his four poster bed on the 5th floor of the bus. After getting settled in, Milky and his pals made their way down to the buses dining room where all the First Years were trying on the Magic Sorting Hat, which when it was put on your head chose which bed you would sleep in for the rest of the journey. Amongst them was Will an apprentice Audio Wizard, Simon & Simon, Lighting Pixies who were identical twins but looked nothing like each other and Kylie and Heidi, the only two girls at the school, who were rumoured to be experts at mixing up potions in their large shiny cauldron.

During the journey, they discussed the forthcoming Drinkkitch season and decided to have a practice session on the way. Drinkkitch is a magic game played on giant flying Drumsticks which is very popular with all the students at Hugwells. It is played with 5 bottles of fine red wine, 3 of which fly around trying to clobber people on the head, one of which is used to score goals, and the final bottle, the finest of them all, The Golden Chateau Neuf du Snitch, when it is caught and drunk, wins the game and gives everyone the opportunity to misbehave and suffer the consequences in the morning.

Eventually, with all the bottles drunk and everyone too confused to know who had won, they headed off to their respective dormitories, giving the password of course, which today was “Dave Matthews is a tosser” and went to sleep soundly.

During the night, Milky had a strange and fantastic dream. In his dream it was morning, and as the Hugwells Express arrived at Noorwitch to unload it’s cargo of Magical Music Equipment, he discovered an invisibility cloak, and managed to drape it over himself just in the nick of time to disappear whilst all the hard work was going on. Oh what a wonderful dream that was!

David Millward