It has already been well documented by the Susie’s and also Des, that last night we played a top sell out show at the legendary Glasgow Barrowlands. However, such are the vagaries of the Rock and Roll business that today’s venue is a far cry from that splendid and historic listed building. Today we are in Newcastle, which is not in itself a bad thing, but unfortunately for us the 1960’s concrete monstrosity that is called Newcastle University plays host to the Autumn of Love touring party, and it’s hospitality is no match for the warm hearted Scots and that’s a fact.
Anyone who has any romantic notions about becoming a Roadie for the glamour and to avoid having to get up early, should put those thoughts firmly away in a darkened room never to be opened again, ever ever ever. The reality in most cases consists of long days waking up on a very cold or very hot dark bus, and stumbling around trying to find ones socks whilst persistently banging ones head on sharp objects attached to the roof, which are there for no other apparent reason than to decapitate people for fun. This particular morning is no exception, and nursing my wounded head I clamber downstairs to find myself confronted by a little note from our driver accusing one of us of committing the mortal sin of having a number 2 in the state of the art chemical toilet which as everyone but the greenest of the green knows is definitely not for solids. I for one refuse to believe this actually happened as we are all seasoned bus dwellers of many years standing, unless of course someone was Sleep Shitting, which would be a different matter altogether!
Enter the dining hall which is doubling as todays gig and find it full of students discussing the teachings of Karl Marx, whilst eating healthy sausage beans and chips types of food and sporting their designer clothing and freshly grown dreadlocks.
Get stuck into work straight away because everything about this place is awkward and asymmetrical and a strategy must be formed before we can commence to set up all the gear. Now, I’m not at my best in the mornings, and making important decisions especially after damaging my head and not even having had time to wash my face or have a French Shower (whatever that is???) is not easy for me or Abbiss and his Flower Pot Men, but being consummate professionals we do not grumble or bicker and the local crew are undoubtedly impressed with the calm and efficient way we surmount every small problem that comes our way.
British shower and brushing of teeth later, it’s high time I visit our catering room for a bacon sandwich and some intelligent conversation. As per normal the two Susie’s are hard at work, but this morning they are joined by another almost equally lovely catering assistant. This means that for the rest of the day the always popular catering room becomes more popular than ever and is regularly visited by all of the crew. In fact, if I didn’t know better one might suppose that a shift system had been introduced or tickets were being sold, with the tea making counter adjacent to the washing up area being the best seats in the house. Unfortunately I’m not at liberty to disclose any more details at present in order to protect the guilty, but suffice it to say that, much to the bewilderment of Susie and Susie, more tea and coffee was drunk, or at least brewed, on this day than on the entire rest of the tour!
Suddenly, Erik and Magic appear from the bus, their entrance punctuated by a Fart Fanfare from Erik. The odious smell thus produced managing to clear the room of most of the crew and hospitalising several sensitive student types who didn’t notice it’s toxic effects until too late, because of the smell of their unwashed clothes and the Petulia Oil they have just started wearing.
Recently, Richard treated us all to the purchase of a Table Tennis Table. Partly on account of him noticing that one or two members of the crew, and dare I say the band, are looking a bit fat innit! Today see’s it being used for the first time. A league is quickly drawn up, teams are chosen and brother is pitted against brother in the fight to the death, cut throat, merciless game, known as Table Tennis Tour Tournament. All thoughts of work are forgotten, as the serious task of trying to beat each other with little white balls commences. Danny and Rick have obviously been practising at home and have brought all the correct clothing complete with skimpy white shorts and headbands but they are no match for Des who when it looks like he may lose, eats the balls and then the bats and threatens to eat anyone else who gets in his way. Most of the sound crew are swiftly disposed of in the first round by the lighting crew but claim later that the Lampies had deliberately focused lights in their eyes to gain the advantage, an accusation that is emphatically denied by them on account of the fact that they had not done it deliberately, it was just force of habit. Happy Happy Joy Joy and Baby Abbiss are in the final of the second round and it is a grudge match with blood being spilt on both sides. HHJJ cuts a dashing figure in his luminous yellow track suit whilst the Baby Abbiss wearing his regulation Wolverhampton infant school uniform with short grey trousers, grey shirt, sleeveless grey jumper and cap, has to stand on a little platform that has been specially erected for him. Unfortunately for poor Abbiss, little does he know, but it is the sound crew who built the platform, and at a key moment it collapses leaving him unable to reach the table top to complete the game, thereby forcing him to sulkily concede victory to HHJJ. The tournament reaches it’s gripping climax when the Truck Drivers face the Dinner Ladies in the grand final, all the band having been crushingly defeated in round three. Susie C and Susie D whilst displaying amazing agility and table tennis talent, decide to draw upon their femininity to give them the edge on the burly Truckers, John B and Pete G, by slipping into slinky black dresses beforehand. This proves too much for the boys to take and they shrivel up at the sight, and the girls emerge victorious and with not a hair out of place either.
Good to see Alfie the opening act getting better and better as the tour progresses. They are nice chaps and will go far. Only trouble is, nobody can understand a word the singer says or sings with the exception of the word “Astronauts” used several times in the chorus of one of their songs. Still no-one seems to mind so what the heck!
And so in my final comment on the days events I really feel I must mention Little Gor, who makes a spectacular appearance mid show during “Hooligan”. This 1/8th size exact replica of Gordon guitar tech to the stars but in soft toy form, has been popping up all over the place lately, and it’s always a pleasure to see him. This evening he is discovered stuck to the low ceiling of the stage from which at a crucial moment he leaps on to Ricks head shouting Armageddon. Rick is more than a bit surprised by this display of wanton abandon on Little Gor’s part but although it caused him to jump more than somewhat he did not sing or play a note out of place, which just goes to show something or other, all though I can’t for the life of me think what it might be at the moment.
Love Milky x. |
